tithe and trust...

I’m kinda running low on cash…I took a huge breath and gave as much as I could, though not enough to be a tithe.  Casual part time job search has been pretty unsuccessful.  For last several months Lord’s been faithful in providing me my monetary needs, all the while challenging my heart to take the chance and give to church.  Wish I could say I obeyed, but was too afraid.  Lord, don’t really know how you’re going to provide, but I am going to trust in your provision.

prayer...

"my JESUS, my LIFE, my ALL...i again consecrate my life to thee.  i shall place no value in anything i possess or anything i do except in relation to thy kingdom and to thy service..." - david livingston

sufficiency of grace...

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Cor. 12:9

Thank you for working thru my weaknesses and struggles…

AWCA banquet

When I arrived, I hardly knew anyone. But, few minutes later, some of the church members started to show up – little more comforting.

I’m realizing more and more that the people whom God’s calling me to minister is very different from the youth group kids I’ve been dealing w/ most of my ministry career. At times, I feel lot more comfortable talking to the teenagers/college people. Now that I’m interacting w/ people mostly w/ finance industries in nyc, I’ve gotta start learning the stuff they’re into – kinda learn their language and understand what’s going on in their lives…at the same time, I won’t go as far as learning to play golf! I know JO’s been hinting that I should learn…but, hey, I lived thru youth ministry w/out learning how to play basketball! I just can’t picture myself on the golf course…real musicians don’t really play golf you know…

Well, the banquet was pretty interesting. Towards the end of the night, they started playing techno and people, mostly middle aged Korean men and women, started dancing, while most of the young couples sat around watching them. And ones in my table felt really uncomfortable as the bass frequency was so strong. I got extremely annoyed b/c they were serving tiramisu, one of the few cakes I really like, but the booming bass was giving me a sensation of indigestion! I did managed to finish tho…

lecture on calvinism

Just got done reading…here’s one of many memorable quotes:

There is found hidden in Calvinism an impulse, an inclination, an incentive, to scientific investigation. It is a fact that science has been fostered by it, and its principle demands the scientific fact.

How unbelievers try so hard to drive a wedge between faith/Christianity and evidence/science, when all along, the scientific mind has been fostered by Christian mindset of trying to find out more about the God’s glorious creation…

joyce meyer conference

It was a quite an experience going to a conference ran by a woman preacher…I think there were 1:4 men to women ratio. Moreover, most of the men there came w/ their wives or girlfriends. So, it was kinda weird feeling to be walking around w/ 2 other men. But, overall, her messages seemed very good. JO confirmed this – I could see a lot of what CCEF teaches…things like identity in Christ, fear of men, inner selfishness. So, you could say that we were all pleasantly surprised by the type of message she was giving…she’s definitely not Joel Olsteen.

Hillsongs…hmm…I guess they were okay. But, I’m not sure what to make of the fact that the praise leader had a Jimi Hendrix shirt while leading worship. I know I consciously do not wear shirts w/ secular rock stars so I won’t offend people. But, the biggest problem I have w/ things like Hillsongs and Passion are – a) their lyrics seems very shallow; b) they unintentionally
promote cultural reductionism; c) their mass appeal to commercialism.

On the way back, we had a choice between going fishing or going to an all-you-can-eat fried chicken restaurant. Fishing won over – yeah, it was a touch choice. But, we ended up catching 13 rainbow trouts and 1 golden trout in one hr! But, ended up spending close to $70. But, it was a good catch. I guess having 2 pastors definitely helped ☺.

passing away...

TZ’a dad passed away this week. Few years ago, his dad was only given few months to live. But that ended up being few years – he’s grateful for that. At least he thinks it coulda been lot worse. At church, it felt like he was doing well and that he appreciated the way our church has been praying for him. But, I know that he still feels certain grief and loss.

Quite a feeling tho…the message for today was about making God the main thing in our lives and not wasting our lives. In it, I had to deal w/ a lot of ‘death-meaning’ issues of life. I kinda felt somewhat uncomfortable delivering it. What’s more, this message was actually scheduled for last week, but b/c of missionary testimony, we had to push it back this week.

public enemy - christians; hate-literature - bible…

Well, it’s already happening in the England, Canada along with various parts of western society. Liberals w/ homosexual agenda are trying side their case w/ racial discrimination, in spite of the fact that those who fought for the equality and human rights in 60’s are appalled by their attempt.. What's more alarming is that people in Christian circles are predicting that sermons, a form of public address, against homosexual sin is going to be seen as a form of hate speech, and the Bible which contains anti-homosexual lifestyle as a hate literature. It won’t be long before pastors could be sued, fined or thrown into prison for preaching against such sin.

Irony is that while trying to be tolerant and accepting, west is becoming more intolerant to God [and w/out God, there is no basis for any morality]. A. Solzhenitsyn once addressed the prestigious Harvard audience that the main difference between west [U.S.] and the east [then Soviet Union] wasn’t the political system. Rather, it’s that one has God and the other is devoid of God. Isn't it funny how, the nations who suffered so much violence under communism are looking desperately for God, while those who held onto God as basis for their identity are fighting furiously to lose such identity…I fear what would become of the place I’m living now…

a day of worship services...

Rough start today—
I was printing my sermon and I ran out of the paper. Reloaded, and got a paper jam! Took me 20 minutes just to print this one last page!!

Svc1 – River Church: definitely an off day! 1st song went well. But by 2nd song, I just couldn’t feel it; we weren’t together; choices of songs felt very disjointed.
We had P’s father in law who’s a missionary to China/N. Korea come in and spoke – took up the whole time and didn’t get to preach. But, it was a powerful testimony!
Spoke w/ SB about possible financial aid for 2nd bachelors’ degree…she said some schools like NYU don’t even let you get a 2nd bachelors, let alone financial aid!...hmmm…a curve ball…

Svc2 – TEOTEC: rehearsed my sermon 4x. Went in very confident. But, the microphone was placed in a very awkward position. But, God came thru and I felt people were blessed. Lord, if you made me into a preacher, let me preach and make a living off of it for the rest of my life.
They forgot my honororium… Yeah, that’s kinda awkward situation…times like these, you just have to smile and walk away, and act like you're not expecting anything, hoping that God will supply the needs. Came home and HY sent me a message that they’ll send it over via mail – yep, he pulled thru…

Svc 3 – JY’s church: not a full church yet. Helped out w/ songs [playin’ guitar]. Met his wife and her cousin. Very nice, yet small group. I think I’ll be joining there more often. Lord challenged me once again, thru JY that I need not to be afraid for future goals…Lord, if I had certain level of success in the past, may be I won’t be this afraid…I’m blame shifting, aren’t I?

After tackling 3 services, I came home very tired. But, I must say, it wasn’t a bad day all…

freedom?

How we fight so hard to emancipate ourselves from the clutches of God, while prostrating in front of science and materialism. In seeking to be free, we have walked into the bondage of material universe, devoid of any spiritual, moral and emotional reality. The west has finally freed herself from God’s sovereignty. In so doing, we have walked straight into the trap of impersonal, materialistic social/scientific determinism…

balance of caring and not caring...

Glad to hear from TZ that I might even be ready for auditions now. I do look forward to getting a formal education in school…so far the class at Juilliard has been a confirmation of what I already knew, as well as a way to learn to articulate the stuff I knew intuitively. Looking back, I’m grateful that the Lord has led me thru my musical endeavor. Strangely, this is one thing that God did not take away from my life. This is one thing in my life where I balance caring and not caring, or loving and not loving. Maybe this is the reason—I love music, but, I don’t love it to the point where it becomes an idol, something more important than God.

arrogance...

JO spoke for IV praise/worship today. Once again, God allowed me to pick the songs that were appropriate to the message - people were blessed, touched…God continues to freak me out. Experiencing God’s work thru me should excite me. But, sometimes…just…sometimes, this is very burdensome b/c—a) I feel so inadequate of a vessel of such honor; b) more attack from the enemy – how I wish sometimes I could stay in the sidelines, just cheering my comrades of the gospel…

Mom continues to remind me to be humble. But, the most difficult aspect of pride and arrogance is that we don’t recognize it. Even as I write this, I’m hoping that someone might read this and recognize how righteous I am—how disgusting!!! Too often, pride masquerades herself as humility…some of my most pious behaviors are crawling w/ most wicked self-serving, ulterior motives!

I fear riches; I fear attention; I fear fame; I fear success - I fear all these things b/c of what I might become…

Lord, may it never be…I rather be broken, utterly dashed into pieces than to be puffed up in the arrogance of my self-righteous pride.

drummer...

TZ gave me an update w/ BF…since he didn’t show a definite commitment, we are going to pursue YC – hope he’s still available. Only problem w/ YC – he tends to play too much. Btw, JC was a great addition for our worship team...he’s got great feel and has a good heart. On the bright side, our worship team is finally coming together. Hope we could recruit YC.

I did mention about YC to TZ. I told him that he’s young and he’s into fusion. TZ responds: “that’s a dangerous combination.”…hmmm…perhaps…we’ll make sure to keep him on a tight leash…

music of the night

Close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth
And the truth isn’t what you want to see
In the dark it is easy to pretend
That the truth is what it ought to be…

Phantom of the Opera (c.f. John 1:9-11)

unfit for the service of the kingdom

Worship was pretty amazing. Finally met TZ’s wife and the thing she told me was very encouraging and scary…she shared how TZ’s been talking about me. She said how much he believed in me and how I had so much talent. All I can say is, it’s all God...people don’t have any idea what goes in my mind as I stand there leading music. There have been so many times when I didn’t ‘feel’ God or even inwardly held certain level of hostility towards him for ‘lettin’ me down’ on some occasions. And yet, afterwards, people claim that they were blessed by my leading songs and that they felt God moving! It’s not that I’m being hypocritical – rather, that I just get amazed at how God uses me in spite of my weaknesses. At times like these, I feel so uncomfortable, out of place and unfit for the service of the Kingdom…

lookin' back: painful experiences and their purposes...

Another revelation I received from the Lord – finally made sense of all of the painful experiences I had to endure last 33 yrs of my life. W/ every failed attempts, w/ all the pleading where the Lord didn’t seem to hear, but ruthlessly hurt me, I often wondered why I have to go thru w/ all those painful moments. Is it really necessary that I need to experience such turmoil in my life?

I never really received the direct answer until last night...I often wondered why my sense of God was so strong. To be really honest, God is someone who is so real that I could talk to him anywhere, any place, any time. The ‘God-consciousness’ is so alive in me. And the reason why I like this was b/c God in his mercy was building this kind of reality in me, as I was struggling w/ him.

Every hardship I faced, I was talking and wrestling w/ him – I would yell, I would kick, I would scream – and the more I did, the more I was struggling w/ him and the more he became real. All of these failures of my life were there to allow me to be drawn closer to God. And right now, I’m at a point where I sense God every single moment of my life! Had I not gone thru those struggles, God would not have been so close to me.

a new addition:

JC joined us for bass – finally we’re gettin’ somewhere. Also, TZ tried J and said he was terrible. He did get a call from BF...hope it goes well…we desperately need a drummer, now that we have a decent bass player! Must be patient…

Spent most of the day looking for a hardware store and fixing up my strat – I’ve waited long enough! I’m pretty satisfied with the result though…I never realized how sweet Strats sounded.

suffering messiah in the midst of tragedy

Spent most of the morning w/ JO, checking out potential retreat places and in personal devotion. For a devotional, we went to one of small ponds around his house. Walking around, I ran into a small memorial monument for the 9/11 tragedy. Spent some time praying for all those who has lost their loved ones in the tragedy. Pray that not only the Lord would comfort their spirits, that they’ll, w/ this incident would come to know the Suffering Messiah, who is God of broken hearted.

This idea of Suffering Messiah really hit home – that when I prayed desperately, asking the Lord to take away all of my hardships and disappointments, to be escaped into the wilderness, detached from all human drama, the Lord whispered, ‘you won’t find me there; you will find me where the broken people are’. Lord, that you would use tragedies like 9/11 to show yourself to the broken…

the four loves

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

C.S. Lewis


an evening of rememberance

Spent the most of evening thinking, reflecting, going thru the photos of old youth group. I sure miss the house, the group (kids), DP (my roommate), missions trip, different activities. Funny, with all the struggles I had with the church, I don’t really remember the hard times. Rather, the things that really stick in my mind are all the good times we’ve shared w/ one another. Lord, how I want to cherish the present circumstances, present friends/relationships, present activities, so that these would remain in me as a sweet memories of the past when I move onto the next ‘assignment’ or ‘mission’ you call me to.

prayer...

Lord, that you would ease my heart, comfort my spirit and fill my soul with sense of wonder for you. To utterly give my life for the cause of the gospel, no matter what the cost is; that I would go wherever you’d lead me; that I would raise no questions, as long as the direction comes from you. Fill my heart with faith, govern my emotion with the passion for the realization of your Kingdom. May I give my life dying for you every day that you may live in me. And most of all, please, take away the fear I have of the future.

an escape to LORD's presence...

Lord spoke to me once again this morning. All these times, I asked the Lord to have me escape to his presence – divorcing all the drama of human life and be taken to a secluded place where there would be just me and my Lord. I often told him how I didn’t want to face disappointment; how I didn’t want to have my heart broken; how I didn’t want to have my hopes dashed into pieces. But, He compelled my heart that that’s the only place where I’ll find him – among the disappointed, among the discouraged, among the broken hearted. And all along this time, w/ all the anxiety of facing uncertain future, with all the wished that were shattered, I have never noticed that he’s the one who’s been encouraging me and healing my heart. What’s more, my heart is grieved that instead of listening to God’s word speaking to me, I heard Satan’s voice, telling me that somehow God’s depriving me of good blessings that everyone else gets to enjoy.

Lord, I’m not afraid anymore b/c if my hopes and dreams come true, I’ll praise you w/ grateful heart. But, even if they don’t come true, I’ll still find you to receive true fellowship of your comforting, encouraging, and healing me…

MISSIONS VS. MUSIC

after all these years, the LORD's finally leading me to a 'serious' music ministry. now that i'm planning to go back to school to get a music education, there's still this lingering thought that somehow i'm choosing something inferior. i know this was the big decision that i was faced w/ when i decided to pursue music ministry. but, knowing that there are people giving up their lives in foreign countries for the sake of the gospel, for me to sit here, being all comfortable and playing music in united states seems such a waste.

i still can't let go of this tension between doing missions work and pursuing music ministry. am i wrong to think that somehow redeeming cultures is inferior to redeeming lives? i remember MO telling me that in japan, they're lucky if could get people to sing 'a gospel song'!

on paper, my learning music would be formally over when i get my degree. but, in actuality, i see it more as a starting point. i want to use everything i learn from school and use it to build a foundation for exploring music from other parts of the world. i guess that's where music and missions could cross paths.

Objectivity in Music

I used to think that music, along w/ all art forms, are just subjective expression of an artist – that it’s all about personal taste. Superficially, it might be true – every type of music has its own stylistic vocabulary. But, the more I learn about music, the more I realize that in the foundational level, there IS the aspect of objectivity. Few examples:

1. How the Major and minor keys governs our mood from happy to sad.
2. How all the composers, w/out communicating w/ one another ended up 3 forms of minor scales in order to create tension/release while being consistent to diatonic forms of specific key.
3. How the half note distance between 7th scale degree and tonic creates dissonance that needs to be resolved.
4. How the minor key is recognized in the 3rd scale degree: ascending – melodic minor; descending – natural minor.

People might explain this scientifically – that music is the way sound wave affects our ears and in turn our emotion. And since our human biological make up is same, the way these frequencies affect each of us would also be same. Good point there…kinda gets me to think though…I guess we’re not as free as we want to be – we’re all subjected to laws of nature which God has created.

But then, I feel that we can’t always explain away effects of music just using science. One physicist in the class affirmed this last night – explanation of why certain harmony and movements affect our emotion or why music has even developed in the process of evolution cannot be explained in pure materialistic, scientific way. As for me, the only reason why I appreciate music and the arts is because I believe in the Creator God, who is the source of all aesthetics…I wouldn’t appreciate art if I wasn’t a Christian…

TAKE THE A TRAIN

Every time I take the A train to get to either Times Square Church or Lincoln Center, I get goose bumps. I used to play the song ‘Take the A Train’ back in high school jazz band. And now I’m actually taking the A train and walking around NYC! I remember when I visited the city few years back, I felt strangely drawn to the city. And few years later, I’m here!! Sometimes, God gives you things you don’t even pray for. It’s certainly great to be in the will of the Lord, especially when my desire corresponds w/ his.

Here’s a little quote,

“All the thrill of boyhood dreams came on me just now, outside watching the sky die in the sea on every side. I wanted to sail when I was in grammar school, and well remember memorizing the names of the sails from Merriam-Webster’s ponderous dictionary in the library. Now I am actually at sea—as a passenger, of course, but at sea nevertheless—and bound for Ecuador. Strange—or is it?—that childish hopes should be answered in the will of God for this now.” – Jim Elliot

One of main reasons why I avoided getting seriously into music was because I thought I would never be good enough; that there’s too much competition; that I’ll never make a living off of it. Makes me wonder…now that I find my self actually pursuing formal musical discipline and that I’ve been doing this music stuff for years…I’ve never noticed until recently that music’s actually paying my bills…and I’m absolutely lovin’ it!

TZ reminded me once again that only thing I need to fix is my negative attitude towards my gifts…he also reminded me that my stubby fingers shouldn’t be a handicap and that I should get off of always thinking all of these negative thoughts. I responded by sayin’, ‘Well, if you don’t have a teacher to criticize you, you gotta be your worst critic.’—he disagreed…once again. Thank you TZ and thank God for being such a great teacher, mentor, guide and encourager…you certainly are Lord’s gift in my life!!

FEW CHANGES

finally decided to jump on facebook bandwagon...spent most of later morning collectin' and searchin' 'friends'...let's see how it goes...

WEEKEND UPDATE: being in ministry is watching GOD do all the work...

Lets see…

Last Saturday, had another opportunity to visit Binghamton to speak at a Korean fellowship. It was good to reconnect and get to know some students again. Hope that our relationship would continue as the Lord gives me more opportunities to go up and speak.

Profound experience last Sunday worship: I personally thought that the closing song I chose was pretty weak – it’s pretty old song that I’ve sang for years. The sermon, at least I thought, wasn’t a spiritual knock-out…I mean, it was good, but not GREAT to bring us to tears. But, towards the second verse, I saw one of our congregation members tearing up and thought to myself, ‘what’s going on?!?!?!’ It’s another thing if it was a sensitive woman who cries for everything. But, this particular time, it was this dude…I mean a dude…who’s sobbing w/ his wife next to him and holding him!! Incredible!

I get really overwhelmed w/ a sense of heaviness. Numerous times, I’ve seen people in the congregation tearing up and crying during the closing praise time. TZ said, next thing we know, they’re gonna start jumping around and speaking in tongues! And there have been times when I felt really bad preaching, thinking, ‘I must be really boring…I'm making no sense...I feel bad for people listening to me…I’d be bored if I were listening to me…’ And I look around all the eyes are fixed on me!! I mean, they look like bunch of deers in front of headlight! Just last week at Bing, one of the student leaders asked me for my sermon notes so he could pass it around…you mean…MY NOTES!?!?!?!?!

My explanation…it’s all GOD…I’m just taking everything for a ride. Yeah, being in ministry is more like watching GOD do all the work, rather than me trying to do GOD’s work…

places LORD takes you..

Pretty overwhelmed these days…considering, my being one of the most disgruntled employee in the LORD’ payroll, he’s been more than gracious these days! I’ve never heard GOD speaking to me more than last couple of months! And funny how it’s often those ‘difficult times’ when I kick, scream and lash out at God are the times HE respond w/ gentle, soft words that drives me to tears. He doesn't change my circumstances, but he simply let me know that I’m not alone.

And now that I’m embarking on this new endeavor, studying music, I need God ever more…can you believe I’m actually taking classes at Juilliard?? Amazing…stuff God makes you do when you decide to follow him, instead of struggling to go on your way!

TZ once told me that I ask too many questions and that I think too much. I think I ask too many whys…especially these days – why me Lord? Why did you choose me out of millions of better people? Why are you choosing me to do this particular work? Are there better, willing and able people out there?
Two responses I get from him:
1) It was never about you, your abilities, your strengths
2) Let God be God and you just follow my lead