a second journey...

Second Journeys usually end quietly with a new wisdom and a coming to a true sense of an adult who has regained equilibrium, stabilized, and found fresh purpose and new dreams.  It is a wisdom that gives some things up, lets some things die, and accepts human limitations.  It is a wisdom that realizes: I cannot expect anyone to understand me fully.  It is wisdom that admits the inevitability of old age and death…

For the Christian, this second journey usually occurs between the ages of thirty and sixty and is often accompanied by a second call from the Lord Jesus.  The second call invites us to serious reflection on the nature and quality of our faith in the gospel of grace, our hope in the new and not yet, and our love for God and people.  The second call is a summons to a deeper, more mature commitment of faith where the naiveté, first fervor, and untested idealism of the morning and the first commitment have been seasoned with pain, rejection, failure, loneliness, and self-knowledge… - B. Manning. Ragamuffin Gospel. 164-165.

Not quite sure if I ever completed my first journey…

A Case of Syncretism—

The Christmas pageant was over—or so I thought.  Christ’s birth to Mary and Joseph had been announced by angels, dressed in pure white.  Their faces were brown and their message In Telugu, for we were in South India.  The shepherds had staggered on stage, acting half drunk, but herding the smaller children down on all fours as the sheep.  Not quite what I was reared to expect, but something I could explain in terms of cultural differences.  Unlike Palestinian shepherd, who are known for their sobriety and piety, Indian shepherds are known for their drink and dancing.  But the message was not lost, for at the sight of the angels the shepherds fell to the ground, frightened sober.

The wise men and Herod had appeared on stage in regal splendor.  Now we sat cross-legged and crowded, as the shepherds, wise men, and angels gathered with Mary and Joseph around the manger.  A fine ending to the Christmas story.  Suddenly, out jumped Santa Claus!  With a merry song and dance, he began to give out presents to Jesus and the others.  He was the hero of the pageant.  I sat stunned. – P. Hiebert, Anthropological Insights for Missionaries. 13

barry harris NYC jazz workshop--

Last night, I finally gathered enough courage to go to Barry Harris Jazz workshop in the city.  When I entered and told the registrar that I wanted to register for the remainder of the year, he said, ‘hope you know what you’re getting into!’  I guess he didn’t realize that I’ve been playing music since I could remember.  But, nevertheless, learning jazz for me is a completely different beast.

The night ended up being very enjoyable…much of the workshop was more of an ear training session where he’d sing a line and expected us to play the same line w/ our instruments.  Surprisingly, I found myself keeping up pretty well w/ everyone.  I thoroughly enjoyed my experience there.  Definitely a good choice!

Indians and Their Biblical Last Names—

I asked JY why some Indians have American last names.  She corrected me and responded, “You mean biblical last names?”  Then she went on to tell me that when Thomas came to India, lot of Indians changed their last names to Biblical names upon conversion b/c their native last names had references to Hindu deity.  So, the explanation was that if you see an Indian w/ Biblical last names, they probably have a Christian heritage.  This confirmed another thing…I thought Thomas going to India was only a tradition, which wasn’t verified.  But she said it was passed down as an oral tradition but was still very reliable.  And this change of the last names is the living proof of that story being true.  

A Cultural Pluralism in Teaneck, NJ—

Last Sunday, TL and I looked thru a phone book trying to find a pizza restaurant around our church.  Only thing we could find was a restaurant called ‘Pizza Cave’ – TL, using his imaginative mind pictured some caveman serving pizza.  But, upon arrival we found out that the name was a misprint – it was actually called ‘Pizza Crave.’  There, we bought a kosher pizza made by Italians served by Indians.  And in one of the windows inside the restaurant, we also noticed a sign, “Sushi Crave” and saw a Japanese [?] gentleman sitting behind the window w/ his sushi ready to be served.  As we were leaving, we ran into a Jewish gentleman w/ his yamika entering the restaurant.  

Civilization and Its Discontents—

I cannot say I fully stand Freud.  But, what I get from this book is the perspective of someone who holds to Atheistic/Evolutionary theory trying to deal w/ problem of guilt and aggression.  Even if we take away the theistic worldview, the problem of sin and guilt still remains.  And since the atheist rejects the idea of divine command theory, he needs to come up w/ a whole new paradigm for labeling such and dealing w/ morality.  As a person who holds to a theistic worldview, I thought Freud had an honest and accurate observation of the nature of fallen humanity.  But, for his interpretation, I would have to disagree to the point of it being very fanciful.  It’s rather ironic that for a person who claims religion as a fanciful illusion, his explanation of reality seemed just as ‘creative’ and fanciful.  But, no doubt that he’s had a huge amount of influence in modern western thoughts – I recognize his footprints almost everywhere!

Problem of Trust—

“Only love empowers the leap in trust, the courage to risk everything on Jesus, the readiness to move into the darkness guided only by a pillar of fire.  Trust clings to the belief that whatever happens in our lives is designed to teach us holiness.  The love of Christ inspires trust to thank God for the nagging headache, the arthritis that is so painful, the spiritual darkness that envelops us…’ – B. Manning

Even after all these years of my relationship to JC, after all the faithful preservation and provision I’ve experienced, I’m ashamed so admit that I still struggle w/ trust in the face of uncertain future.  No wonder Moses commanded Israelites to put up monuments to help remember what YHWH has done for them… 

a prayer for the passionate misguided...

Started praying for R. Dawkins and S. Hawking.  Interesting observation – it seem like a lot of effective defenders of Christianity were once a staunch atheists or the ones who were once passionate about other religious teachings.  I have a suspicion that maybe the ones who are furthest from the Truth is not the greatest opponents of religion, but lukewarm, complacent ones who doesn’t really care about nor stand for anything.  Isn’t it interesting that those who claim to be evangelicals and go to church every Sunday morning might even be further away from the Truth than those passionate atheists who labor to undermine Christian faith…

Why is God only in South Korea—

Watched another production on NK refugees.  Unlike the last one, this was a motion picture production.  But on both occasions, the same haunting phrase was uttered by a bitter North Korean character.  It’s an outcry that demands,

“Why is God only in South Korea?”

The irony is the west, w/ all of her wealth and armed w/ scientific rationalism has been struggling hard to free herself from God’s rule!  And yes, South Korea presently also happens to be one of the more wealthier countries in Asia, who has the biggest churches and sends out the most missionaries.  At the same time, this is also a country where Christian presence is diminishing rather rapidly!  The recurring pattern seems to be that of a culture embracing God, then God blessing the culture, then culture lusting after God’s blessing, betraying God and pronouncing her independence.  And the outcome is the rapid pummeling down into violence and cruelty.

Years back, Alexander Solzhenitsyn, addressing the Harvard graduates, rightly declared that the difference between west (US) and east (USSR) wasn’t the political system.  No, the difference was that the east has lost God and ended becoming most violent, cruel nations that the world has ever known.  On the side note, for those who have convinced themselves that religion, [God] is oppressive, take a good look at North Korea for this is the epitome of a Godless nation!

I’ve also been intrigued by how west w/ her capitalism, which is essentially driven by selfishness, ends up becoming the most compassionate nation, sending out more foreign aids than any other nations, while the east w/ her communism, which is essentially driven by selflessness, ends up becoming most violent and cruel nations.

The ultimate answer isn’t having the right political system w/ all of her government policies to protect the weak.  I am also not advocating some fundamental right wing politicized Christianity either.  The answer is the change of heart, experienced by personal encounter of the scandal of the cross on an individual level.

So why is God only in South Korea?  Perhaps because South Koreans have embraced him while the North didn’t.  May I point out that 100 years ago, in 1907, Pyongyang, capital of North Korea has experienced a great revival and was once called the ‘Jerusalem of the East.’  All that has disappeared now and the nation that once embraced the gospel now outlaws it and her people pay the great cost for worshipping the name of Jesus Christ.  So perhaps the rightful response to this question would be that God came to North Korea but was rejected and South Korea embraced him, even at the cost of numerous martyrs.

a prayer to a suffering servant [rough draft]

I’ll guard this post as long as you want me to
But, I want to escape, run to a paradise
So, I prayed,
‘Please, take me out of this misery of shadow of death!’

The answer came,
‘I will grant you your wish, if you ask long enough…
But under one condition…
That is: if I answer your request, accept it that our fellowship would be broken
For I dwell in the land of suffering, where the broken hearts toil
I’m with the poor and the broken; I’m in the hearts of every disappointment
I’m with those who ask, ‘where are you, my God?’

I will take you out of here and you will feel pleasure; you will feel tranquil
You will even feel sublime.
But, you will also grow numb; with growing sense of meaningless hunger
With a heart ever so drifting from any sense of reality;
Till it becomes hard and unbreakable.

I’m with the poor and broken hearted
I’m with the contrite heart
I’m with the suffering; that’s where I am
For I am the Suffering King

So, ask to be out of this mess;
If you ask long enough, you will get your answer

But, this request comes w/ a price—
You will lose what it means to be a man, made in my very image and likeness
You will also lose me, as you drown in the paradise of tranquility
If you can live w/ it, then I, being a loving God will grant you your wish…

Then, heaven will turn to hell; paradise into prison; freedom under bondage
And your heart, unbroken will become numb and lifeless.
And death will be your fate…

Challenge of Modern Mind: Loss of Sense of Sinfulness—

“It is not simply, how can man be just with God, but how can sinful man be just with God? In the last analysis sin is always against God, and the essence of sin is to be against God. The person who is against God cannot be right with God. For if we are against God then God is against us. It could not be otherwise. God cannot be indifferent to or complacent towards that which is the contradiction of himself. His very perfection requires the recoil of righteous indignation. And that is God’s wrath. ‘The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men’ (Rom 1:18). This is our situation and it is our relation to God…” – John Murray

To echo the words of Luther, ‘w/out Christ God is our enemy…’

But, the challenge of modernity is that humanity has lost her concept of sinfulness. We are quick to blame all the evils in the world to the Almighty, Sovereign and Righteous God. And his sovereignty becomes quickly mutated into determinism or fate, which the Bible knows nothing of. And yes, we human beings acknowledge that there is something wrong w/ the world. But we are not keen to realize that we are also the members, or the very components of this fallen society. As MD rightly pointed out that those who go around blaming the culture, fail to make the connection that human beings are the ones who create and form culture – culture is corrupted b/c corrupted humanity is creating and running it.

Those of us who are rejected turn around rejecting others; those of us who are hurt turn around and hurt others; those of us who are discriminated against turn around and discriminate others and on and on…is it controversial to say that those who suffered racial discrimination end up becoming racists themselves? Walk down the black neighborhood…those who complain the most about whites treating blacks wrong end up shouting Chinese jokes to every nerdy Asians they come across.

This cycle of violence and hatred can only be stopped when we encounter Christ, who has willingly become sin for sinners, took up to cross and died the death we should have died and lived the life we should have lived.

The Shadow of Christ in the Law of Moses, a memorable quote—

“It is not accidental that the glaring socio-political and criminal problems of the late twentieth century concern matters where our society has turned against the specific directives of God’s law. Humanism has been taught in our schools and media; it has been practiced in economics, medicine, politics, and our courts. And the results have been a social disaster. Human life is treated as cheap. Sexual purity is an outdated concept. Truth and honesty have little place in the ‘real world’ of business or politics. Repeat offenders and crimes which go completely unpunished belittle the criminal justice system. Prison reform is desperately needed. In short, humanism has proven its ineffectiveness in case after case…” – G. Bahnsen, quoted by V. Poytheress

Can’t imagine that just 50 yrs ago, the major offense in public school was chewing gum and not dressing properly…now the kids go to schools w/ metal detectors b/c their own classmates carry weapons.

Josh and Caleb –

Josh and Caleb goes behind the city wall. Have a conversation w/ Rahab. Finds out what goes on behind the huge wall…that all the hearts of the people have melted and they are living in fear.

Sometimes God lets us see the big picture…sometimes he doesn’t. The times he does is to give us courage to fight on. The time he doesn’t is to challenge us to trust and follow. I wish I could go behind this unknown wall of mine and see what’s going on behind these enemy lines…

GOD's business and mine...

“He will lead you and not let you miss the signs. Rest in this: it is His business to lead, command, impel, send, call or whatever you want to call it. It is your business to obey, follow, move or what have you.” – Jim Elliot

Thank you for the reminder this morning that my life is under your loving sovereignty. I no longer want to try to figure out why’s until all is over. Rather, I want to ask for the strength to endure in these times of waiting, to never lose the hope that this momentary wilderness wandering will turn into celebration; that when I look back w/ my hind sight, I would attribute this very process of frustration as a reason for my rejoicing!

Judas—

With Easter Sunday approaching, I’ve been hearing a lot of sermons on Judas Iscariot. I’m not sure if we could definitely know why he’s betrayed JC. But, from all of the preachers I’ve heard, they all seem to agree that perhaps it was his disillusionment of what JC did not turned out to be – instead of being the earthly king w/ earthly glory, he was headed to Jerusalem, the place of death and destruction, while his kingly glory remained well hidden beneath this frail humanity…except for the few moments in the mountain w/ his 3 close disciples…no, Judas wasn’t among those...

As I was pondering about the implication of his life, I was struck w/ the thought that the times when things don’t work out the way I want it to work is the time when I am most vulnerable to Satanic attack. It was helpful reminder [thru C. Swindoll’s sermon] that Satan entered Judas after the rebuke he received from JC for speaking against Mary [c.f. Luke 22]. Not only he was growing more disillusioned w/ this whole JC movement, he also received a harsh rebuke, in public, exposing his hypocrisy. This made his heart fertile for Satan to enter his life. And we all know the outcome of it.

Often, when we are hurt and disappointed, we rightly see ourselves as victims of circumstances. And we further think that the good and loving God would finally come thru for us. But, I haven’t heard much of warning that this is the time when our hearts are very vulnerable to temptations and attacks of Satan. C. Swindoll warned that such is the time when Satan would disguise himself as the beautiful angel of light w/ the promises that he could never fulfill, enticing us to take him into our hearts, ultimately leaving us in the seat of despair and destruction.

Judah’s life is a solemn warning that when things don’t go as we hoped, we need to be extra vigilant and alert b/c Satan will come to us w/ those sweet temptations. Our reasoning must not be clouded w/ emphasis on release from such pressure. No, if anything, we must be suspicious of the promises of quick relief. We must preach to ourselves the goodness of God in spite of the circumstances he puts us thru. Rather than seeking a way out, we must seek the way thru, never losing the hope that after all of our trials, GOD will bring us to the green pasture and gives us the desire of our hearts, his way, his time. But in the mean time, we must learn to enjoy GOD in the midst of our trials – our joy and happiness does not come by removal of difficulties, rather, it’s on the intimate relationship we have our GOD.

Secret of Contentment—

I’m finally learning the secret of contentment – it’s not pursuing, desiring or hoping for thing I don’t have [yet]. It’s on bathing in God’s goodness, remembering how he’s has met all my needs in the past and simply enjoying what He has provided me already. As long as my focus is on the things I don’t have, my view of God is someone who is depraving of all the good things that I should have, which other people take them for granted. But, if I focus on the things I already have, it’s not hard to find all the things that I have, which I don’t deserve in the first place! This is one reason why Moses keeps reminding Israelites to remember what God has done and make sure that the children area also aware of it!

I realize that focusing on what I don’t have is the way the Serpent tempted our 1st parents. Often we think how foolish of Adam and Eve for taking the fruit when they had the whole garden to enjoy for themselves. But, we forget that once we begin to focus on one thing that we don’t have, all the blessings we have received become like shadow. And soon enough, we become unhappy w/ one thing that we don’t have.

Good Friday Reflections…

“…I painted swiftly in a strange nerveless frenzy of energy. For all the pain you suffered, mama. For all the anguish this picture of pain will cause you. For the unspeakable mystery that brings good fathers and sons into the world and lets a mother watch them tear at each other’s throats. For the Master of the Universe, whose suffering world I do not comprehend. For dreams of horror, for nights of waiting, for memories of death, for the love I have for you, for all the things I remember, and for all the things I should remember but have forgotten, for all these I created this paining—an observant Jew working on an crucifixion because there was no aesthetic mold in his own religious tradition into which he could pour a painting of ultimate anguish and torment.” – My Name Is Asher Lev, Chaim Potok


The wounded surgeon plies the steel
That questions the distempered part;
Beneath the bleeding hands we feel
The sharp compassion of the healer’s art
Resolving the enigma of the fever chart.

Our only health is the disease
If we obey the dying nurse
Whose constant care is not to please
But to remind of our, and Adam’s curse
And that, to be restored, our sickness must grow worse.

The whole earth is our hospital
Endowed by the ruined millionaire,
Wherein, if we do well, we shall
Die of the absolute paternal care
That will not leave us, but prevents us everywhere.

The chill ascends from feet to knees,
The fever sings in mental wires.
If to be warmed, then I must freeze
And quake in frigid purgatorial fires
Of which the flam is roses, and the smoke is briars.

The dripping blood our only drink,
The bloody flesh our only food:
In spite of which we like to think
That we are sound, substantial flesh and blood—
Again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good. – Four Quartets [East Cocker], T.S. Eliot

Choice of Good Character in Serving God -

We were supposed to have a student from … joining us this Sunday. But, when I called him to pick him up, he said, ‘something came up’ and won’t be joining us. Little bummed out, I asked if he could join next week. He said he’ll let me know by Tuesday.

I wanted to give him another chance at it. But, TZ thought otherwise. His reasoning was what he did was utterly unacceptable as a professional musician. What’s more important, TZ felt this was a manifestation of his own character and attitude in serving God which is very immature and unacceptable. So, he said to cut him lose – this should be a warning sign and a red flag; we don’t need this kind of attitude w/ what we are trying to do. So, if he calls back, I’m supposed to say, ‘no, man, we would not be needing you anymore…we have other people we’re trying out. Thank you.’

In the end, I agree w/ TZ – above all, our character is the most important aspect of our service to God. Our western world is so pragmatic and results driven that we tend to think less about the personal character, even in the ministry context. I know that this is something that I’ve been working at it myself. But, I guess I should have the same expectation for people I bring in for the music ministry. But, I do admit, this way is much harder and requires more trusting that the Lord will provide the right person – but, it’s the right way! I will not settle for the 2nd best when it comes to serving God; that includes the person we recruit for congregational worship.

Roni Ben Hur—

Had an opportunity to check out Roni Ben Hur and hang out w/ TL. We drove down to Montclair and after few missed turns and brief conversation about cow tipping, we arrive at our destination w/ 10 minutes to spare. The band leader was the widowed wife of John Hicks. And they played bunch of tunes written by him.

Towards the end of evening, I had a new insight – I realized that even looking at the performers were distracting me from listen to the music itself. It wasn’t until towards the end of the show when I actually closed my eyes I heard each passage and the note dancing around their harmonic grid. I returned home thinking next time, I’m not even going to see the performers. I’m just going to sit, close my eyes and listen.

Too bad that our MTV or post-MTV generations cannot appreciate music w/out image even though music has always been an art of listening. They talk about stage-presence – who cares about what they look? Just go up and play your music! I guess the one of the reasons why I’m getting into non-commerical music [folk, jazz, blues, classical] is b/c going up on the stage and looking good ain’t their main agenda – it’s all about music…melody stated and harmony dancing around her.

My Spiritual Boot Camp [Phase 2]—

Here’s the next phase of my spiritual growth – ‘seek and destroy’: all these years of failed attempt on battling my sin has left me rather discouraged. It was only few days ago that I received the new insight from the Lord. And this is the fact that God, the Lion of Judah, the Warrior-King is living inside of me! But, b/c of my skewed perception of God, I ended up confining this lion on a leash while standing powerless against the attacks of the enemy. Part of reason why God must be on the throne of our hearts is so that he could protect me from all sins and destroy every temptation the enemy throw in my direction. Unfortunately, when we talk about putting God on the thrones of our hearts, we only make reference on how he changes and frustrates our personal goals and agendas – we don’t really see him as the one who protects, loves and cares for us. Now I want to unleash this lion – let him seek and destroy all forms of sins and free me from the power of the enemy that has been taunting me since I was brought into this world.

And who’s my enemy? He’s not the circumstances I’m under; he’s not even those who failed and/or hurt me; he’s not the failed dreams or goals. He is the flesh who governs my desires, who takes good things God has given and perverts them into idols. This enemy lives inside of me – he is me. For this, I must die daily and submit to His lordship of my life, moment by moment. The battle wages w/in my heart. And the outside circumstances are only the stages where this battle is being fought!

“…you shall tear down their alters, and smash their sacred pillars, and hew down their Asherim, and burn down their graven images with fire.” – Deut 7:5

My Spiritual Boot Camp [Phase 1]—

The 1st was a test of faith – to never to doubt the love of God, no matter what circumstances I’m under. Couple images that were revealed to me were: a) renewed vision of JC my high priest who intercedes for me each moment; b) JC’s uniting himself w/ me and experiencing every burden, suffering, pains of disappointment with me.

He does not stand aloof, just watching me suffering thru the trials of my life – no he does more than that! He does not stand next to me and simply shout out encouragement, ‘you can do this!’ – no he does more than that. He unites himself w/ me and experiences every burden and frustration I experience and then says, ‘take my yoke for it is easy’; ‘hold my hand and I’ll walk with you to the end of the line.’ My Jesus, My Savior will carry me thru all the days of my life – and this is a very fine perspective of life!

I want to live this mindset: “God is sovereign and He love me.”

footprints in the sand...

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
Other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
That during the low periods of my life,
When I was suffering from
Anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
That if I followed you,
You would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
The most trying periods of my life
There have only been one
Set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
You have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
Seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
Is when I carried you." - Mary Stevenson

JC showed me this morning that he’s right here w/ me…and that’s enough for me!

pre-sunday emotional ride...

It’s has been tough few days of emotional ride. I’m recognizing an emerging pattern – it’s always the evening before my preaching Sunday, I have the hardest time concentrating and finalizing a sermon. There's always something that come up that make me be consumed w/ uneasy thoughts! It could be a spiritual attack, but can’t say conclusively. Anyhow, in order to deal with this, I should start preparing my sermon way ahead, that way the evening before my preaching day, all I have to do is just going thru the notes and make final revisions. Thankfully enough, in spite of my struggles, the Lord came thru once again – people were blessed.

Paul Tripp and CCEF

EM pastor’s conference was pretty amazing. It was good to get away for few days – long talk w/ JO on the way, hear PT speak on ‘Relationship – Mess worth making’. I must say that the Lord addressed things that were in my heart – that I’m an angry and bitter person; and that anger and bitterness resides in my heart; the circumstances are only the vehicle to which these emotions spill over.

I should remember to pick up the book and read…I really appreciate CCEF and their teaching. Much of our Christian counseling is influenced by the secular mindset which says the person who are hurting are the victims of society. In Christian context, it’d be victim of sin, world and Satan. But, CCEF drives issue deeper – that the world isn’t the problem, but my own wicked heart; that as much as I’m a victim, I’m also a victimizer who hurts those around me. And it isn’t long until I realize that my main problems aren’t the circumstances and people who let me down; rather it’s the attitude and the way I respond to such circumstances that reveals my heart; that each time I respond w/ anger and resentment, it reveals my own selfish heart and lack of trust in sovereign God who loves me.

Memorable quote by TP;
“I love you and I have a wonderful plan for your life!”

Rock Me to Sleep

"Backward, flow backward, O tide of years
I am weary of toils and tears
Toil without recompense, tears all in vain
Take them and give me my childhood again
I have grown weary of dust and decay
Weary of flinging my soul-wealth away
Weary of sowing for others to reap
Rock me to sleep, mother, rock me to sleep…" - Elizabeth Akers Allen

On Politics—

“I don’t know if this sort of quiet, unsolicited honest can work in our rude, noisy politics, but it certainly is far more presidential than the dodging and fudging that you get from most candidates. It has been argued that Obama’s style is too cerebral, too elitist. That may be true. He assumes maturity in his audiences, in the press, that simply may not exist. But given the stakes in 2008, perhaps it’s time for all of us to grow up and meet the challenge of a difficult moment of our country.” – Joe Klein, Time Magazine, Nov 12, 2007

What really bothers/scares me about elections isn't the choice of candidates. Rather, it’s the people who are voting …it seems like more and more, elections end up becoming nothing more than a glorified popularity contests – candidates, desperately seeking votes from the people that they’ll do anything and say anything to satisfy the depraved hearts of the public. And what do people want? Almost all of them want their own peace and comfort, even at the expanse of seeking/choosing what is right. Conventional wisdom of doing the right thing is always hard thing seems to have disappeared in American public opinion. Well, after all, this society w/ loss of objective moral values, the only right thing is meeting the desires of individual. We all know that most Americans are addicted to TV, sold out to entertainment industry, consumed by consumerism, begging for the next jolt of visual shock treatment and stop at nothing to satisfy their selfish desires – and these are the very people who are electing our leaders and public officials…this is actually what scares me about United States…

if i can stop one heart from breaking

"If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again
I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson

Worship Team Handbook—

“It is true we have a more diverse, more accessible range of music available to us now than ever before. But not all of what’s out there is deep. The power of new forms of worship is not their funky grooves. Some music reduces worship to the experience of a TV show theme song: It grabs your ear long enough to make an identity for itself and to hold your attention for sermon. We have to ask, is our approach to worship helping people to come to God, or is it merely catchy?”

Alison Siewert

Few criticisms I have for the modern, contemporary worship styles

1. They are commercial and reductionistic, to the point where some people would not feel they are in the environment of worship unless there are high level of noise, in the likeness some rock concerts.
2. They are too shallow – much of what I see and observe are replacing of style over substance. Music might sound great, to non-musicians. But for those w/ very discriminating ears, it’s not something they would pay money to listen.
3. There is very subtle and thin line between experiencing God’s presence and being caught up by emotional wave.

who's in control -

At first I saw God as my observer, my judge; keeping track of the things I did wrong so as to know whether I merit heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sorta like the president – I recognized his picture when I saw it but I really didn’t know him. But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though it was rather like a bike-ride. But it was a tandem bike and I noted that Christ was in the back, helping me pedal.

I don’t know just when it was, but he suggested we change places. And life has not been the same since. When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but it was predictable – it was the shortest points between two points. But when he took the lead, he knew the delightful longcuts. Up-mountains and thru-rocky places at breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang on. Even though it looked like madness, he said, ‘pedal! Pedal!’

I worried, I was anxious. And I asked, ‘Where? Where are you taking me?’

He laughed and didn’t answer. And I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into his adventure. And when I said, ‘I’m scared!’, he’d lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people w/ gifts I needed – gifts of healing and acceptance and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey – My Lord’s and mine. And we were off again.

He’d say, ‘give those gifts away now. They’re extra baggage – too much weight.’ So I gave to the people we met. But I found that in giving I received. And still our burden was light. I didn’t trust him at first, in control of my life; I thought he’d wreck it. But he knows the bike’s secrets – he knows how to make it bend, take sharp corners; he knows how to jump to clear high rocks. He even knows how to fly to shorten scary passages. Now I’m learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places and I’m beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face and my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ. And when I’m sure I just can’t do anymore, he just smiles and says, ‘Pedal! Pedal!

Quoted by, C. Swindoll

I worry when I—

Add: more things to the already full schedule; pressure to my image and reputation; your expectation to my agenda; when I have to live up to what you have to be – makes me angry.

Subtract: God’s presence for my crisis; his timing for my desires; prayer for my day; perspective from the moment of difficulty. – makes me doubt.

Multiply: my problems by inserting my solutions too rapidly, look for a way out instead of way thru; fears with my imagination [‘what if, but maybe’ statements] – makes me afraid.

Divide: life into the secular and sacred – makes me forget.

C. Swindoll 

on corpse bride [review] -

You could say it’s a cute movie with a cute fairy tale.  But, in all honesty, I actually was a little disturbed by this only because of my recognition of social, spiritual trend of our western world.  Playing off of this modernists ideal of the world left to be discovered and thus conquered, the message, seems to promote the audience to embrace what has been taught as evil and dark.  Along the process, good and evil becomes muddled up and what was once held as evil [feared] is embraced, while what was once held as good [embraced] is shunned.   Two scenes that really drives the point—

1.     When the dead are walking the earth, a child, thru curiosity, recognizes his dead grandfather and embraces him.

2.     The skeletal figure is the embodiment of wise and gentle elder, rather than an austere pastor who is powerless and detached a personal needs of people.

3.     The living world, w/ repressed 19^th c. Victorian setting, w/ the church as the main spiritual powerhouse is portrayed as dull, colorless and thus lifeless.  On the other hand, the dead world, with the dark magic is portrayed as exciting, colorful and thus full of life.

Am I being too close-minded?  Well, as a follower of JC and lover of good stories, I realize that there ‘must’ a line in somewhere – I do love good stories even if they don’t come from Bible.  I grew up w/ fairy tales, most of which were not from non-Christian worldview, origins and traditions.  The difference is that there was clear-cut distinction between good and evil!  It seems as if this modern day fascination w/ magic and witchcraft, and this blending of evil and good seems to be product of postmodern outlook where there is absence objective morality.  Beauty is detached from goodness/morals and ends up being attached arbitrarily to anyone’s preference.

What really bothers me is my recognition of modern world and her media w/ inaccurate portrait of spiritual leaders of the past, in this case, puritan pastors.  Is it any wonder that when secular education talks about J. Edwards, they only focus on one sermon – Sinner in the hands of angry God’? – he wrote bunch of other stuff too, you know…  When they talk about Puritanism, they are so quick to bring out what went wrong with Salem Witch Hunt, w/ the implied accusation that it was the Christian superstitious mindset that brought about such abuse. 

How about the obliteration of the culture thru missions work, without talking bringing out the mindset of unbelieving anthropologists, basing their attitude on theory of evolution as they looked on to the people of other continents as ‘almost-a-human-being-but-not-quite-there-yet’ attitudes?  Oh, how about talking about the abuse of the church w/out bringing out the obliteration and destruction that were caused by persons w/ atheistic evolutionary mindset – Stalin and Hitler?  Hitler might have used Luther’s hatred of the Jews to justify his holocaust, but he was more influenced by nihilistic outlook of Nietzsche and atheistic evolutionary theory.  Somehow these kinds of facts conveniently disappear when people talk against the abuse of religion, mainly Christianity. 

Interesting Discussion on Sexual Temptation—

Contrary to popular belief, JO shared that in some cases, sexual temptation actually increases when Christian men get married.  The possible reason we came up with is something like the way we take advantage our of Christian freedom and use it as an excuse for indulgence, rather than enjoyment.  Those who grew up under rather repressed Christian homes, when they realize that all alcoholic consumption is not sin, they go all the way to the opposite extreme and actually go out of their way to have another beer other alcoholic beverages.  I’ve seen so many cases where Christians would go to a bar w/ an attitude of—‘look I’m a Christian and I drink!’

In the similar way, I guess when men, w/ very repressed sexual urges, are given this ‘unlimited’ privileges of marital status, may run into our tendency to go overboard and end up using this freedom as indulgence rather than enjoyment.  And soon enough, now that they have tasted what it’s really like w/ one woman, they end up thinking about other boundary defying possibilities…and may I remind you, many men who are married to one woman don’t necessarily stay, ‘one woman-man’.

All this is to say – marriage is a gift and a ‘way out’ of our burning desires.  But, it is not the ultimate remedy!  Ultimately, the issue is not our repressed desire, but the sinful of our hearts.  It’s no wonder how many men, even after being married to attractive women, still come under the bondage of pornography, and in some cases, adultery!  If sexual temptation is there as a single man, it will still be there as a married man.  We must get at the heart!

Dysfunctional Family Drama: Life of Jake in Gen 34—

Moral indignation against Shechem is shown only by Simeon and Levi.  When their acts were challenged by Jacob, they respond, “should he treat our sister as a harlot?” (Gen 34:31)  One commentator notes this phrase, ‘our sister’, as opposed to ‘daughter of Leah…Jacob’ in the beginning is possibly due to the authors intention to bring out the idea of family split (between Leah and Rachel).  Anyways, this passage leaves me w/ couple of ambiguous observations…

1. Is Jacob’s lack of retaliation due to the fear of the surrounding nations or due to his lack of concern for Leah and her children?
2. In spite of Simeon and Levi’s deceptive retaliation, is the author in favor of their behavior for bringing righteous vengeance?

A lesson to be learned – the idealistic vision of biblical patriarchs we learned in Sunday school is far from reality.  When I took religion class back in college, one classmate, reading Genesis for the 1^st time in her life, responded, “this is better than soap opera!”  Bible has plenty of drama – sex, incest, murder, rape, violence, deceit, manipulation, betrayal – and all these are practiced by patriarchs and other significant figures!  The wonder is not how great these heroic figures of Bible are but, how God works through the imperfections and mistakes of humanity.

On leadership—

“This scene begins to answer the important question of who will rule the twelve tribes of Jacob.  In the next scene Reuben, by his own immorality, like that of the Canaanites, disqualifies himself.  Simeon and Levi, while rightly showing moral indignation against the cultic defilement of their sister, disqualify themselves by their rashness and unbridled revenge.  Jacob acts as foil to them.  He is prudent but lacks faith and moral indignation.  In the last book, leadership will fall first upon the shoulders of Joseph, then finally upon Judah.” – B. Waltke

segregation, a new look-

People would say that Sunday was the most segregated day of the week, as each members of ethnic groups go to the church services that serves their ethnic preference.  But the more I think about it, racial/ethnic segregation w/in the Christian community is only the part of big picture.  We also have to take into account the generational segregation.  And I fear that w/ so much emphasis on specialized youth ministry, there is a danger of separating our youth from the older generation.  Not only that, since the ministry itself is geared towards meeting ‘specific needs’ of the youth, our children would be less prone to join in w/ the adult congregation where they would have to adjust themselves to meet the needs of older generations.  I truly believe that the most effective youth ministers are the parents w/ heart for their children.  As good as they are, youth ministers still must be a supplementary influence to the parents.

One of the things I appreciate about our church is this break down of ethnic/generational boundaries.  We have people from China, Japan, Jamaica, France, India, as well as Anglos coming together in same room and worshipping and fellowshipping together.  In terms of generational scope, we have anywhere from singles, young couples all the way up to those who are in retirement age.  And our church children’s ministry is run by our mothers.  What has truly been encouraging experience was to see our children take part in our gatherings like Christmas parties, Sunday worship.  What’s really awesome is the way in which these kids feel right at home, just hanging out and carrying on a meaningful conversations w/ their parents and friends of their parents w/out any sense of awkwardness – a true Christian fellowship, that transcends ethnic and generational gaps! 

Matters of Faith [Reflection on Gen 24]—

In faith, Abraham orients his entire life, even at death, on God’s promise (see 12:1-3, 7).  Because he believes God’s promises of land and abundant offspring that will bless the earth, Abraham refuses to allow Isaac either to intermarry with Canaanites or to leave the Promised Land.  Although Abraham acts on the basis of the promise, he does not presume upon it.  The servant is free of his oath if the Lord does not prosper his mission.  Abraham trusts God but also recognizes that Isaac’s future wife must make her own faith choice.  Abraham’s faith is rewarded.  A life committed to seeking God’s kingdom will experience God’s good hand (c.f. Matt 6:33) - B. Waltke.

The Screwtape Letters: A Memorable quote—

Rest assured, my love for you and your love for me are as like as two peas.  I have always desired you, as you (pitiful fool) desired me.  The difference is that I am the stronger.  I think they will give you to me now; or a bit of you.  Love you?  Why, yes.  As dainty a morsel as ever I grew fat on. – C.S. Lewis

I become increasingly convinced of the idea that evil is not the absence of good; rather it’s the perversion of it.  And evil has a funny way of perverting what we call love – how many of us, in the name of love, manipulate and control others for our own purposes? 

With every boy who pressures a girl to give up her sacred virginity; with every girl who manipulates a boy into slavery; with every mentor tries to mold his pupils after his own image; with every parent who tries to live out their failed dreams thru his children; with every missionary who obliterates indigenous culture in the name of ‘superior-gospel-influenced culture; with every westerner w/ their materialistic ideals patronizes his third world counterparts; with every social revolutionaries who sells hollow promise of social utopia…list goes on and on.

Bottomline – we control, manipulate and hurt so many people in the name of love.  I must truly guard against this kind of perversion.  And the way to guard myself from this awful perversion is to never to exclude the ingredient that makes true love – humility, i.e. self-forgetfulness!

Lesson on trusting God (Gen 16)—

Though Abraham received God’s promise of a son, after waiting nearly for 25 years, he, along with his wife Sarah has grown rather cynical about this ‘supposed promise from God’.  Even so, Abraham learns to wait on God and hold off his plans to make Eliezer his heir.  But, not for Sarah…she decides go take matters into her own hand.  Of course the outcome is disastrous!  The immediate consequences are the haunting feelings of her own insecurity [as the wife of Abraham] and of the alienation [both from Abraham and Hagar].  But, there's more severe consequence that comes centuries later.  Tradition tells us that Ishmael [Hagar's son] becomes the ancestor of Arabs, from where the religion of Islam comes from.  As I look our modern world, w/ all the bloody conflicts between Jewish/Christian and Arabs, I wonder had Sarah trusted in the Lord’s timing, if such struggles would be unknown in our history…such an enormous consequence of a simple minded wife w/ a desperate longing for a child!

Elijah/Eden Experience—

Everything went right yesterday – worship was powerful; my preaching seemed to have touched number of people; had a good time discussing/learning about music w/ TZ; got reconnected w/ my former students in Parsippany.  And yet, I went to bed quite depressed, haunted by sense of loneliness.  This wasn’t the first time I felt this way...How my heart, in spite of all the good things that the Lord has given me, tends to focus on the one thing that he has set temporal boundaries – the forbidden fruit.  Lord, forgive me for failing to count your blessings and complain about one thing that you are using to sanctify me.

New Drummer—

BF finally joined us for worship.  For the 1^st time in long time, we had a full band!  TZ and I both agreed that he might have over played for the 1^st set of songs.  But, it could be that he didn’t know the songs and/or that it’s been a while since he’s played music serious to semi-serious musicians.  Nevertheless, I think he’s a very good fit for our team.  He’s one of the rare people who has both talent and heart for God.  Hope this is the beginning of long term relationship!

Lord gave back!!—

Took a deep breath and decided to give all the extra cash I have to the church.  The Lord gave me back even more – via Christmas gift, end of the year bonus [from church].  He’s been challenging me to give – and this challenge is also met by the promise of his provision and how he would take care of me.  And He’s certainly keeping his end of bargain…=)

Tithes of Time—

So, I decided to spend 2.5 hrs w/ the Lord.  This includes the study of the Scripture, Journal Keeping as a way of prayer, prayer, singing praises, scripture memory and etc – sort of a worship.  This will happen early in the morning (5:30 AM). 

I’m really doing this for my insanity, you know.  I also realize that being in the ministry is like being in a battlefield…you don’t know when the enemy is going to attack!  The only way for remedy is keep myself close to my Captain.

Why 2.5 hrs?  That’s actually about 10 % of the 24 hr day.  Thus my tithes of time.

Why so early?  God reminded me to give him the ‘1^st fruits’ – [told me thru JM].  I guess I’m taking that literally when it comes to my time as well…

Eternal Word and Changing Worlds – Memorable quotes:

“Calvin worked in a heat of a pastoral charge in Geneva; Augustine did theology in the stress of preserving the church while the Roman Empire was collapsing; Luther, Athanasius, Spurgeon—all were pastors.  They theologized, they hammered out theology meaningful to their problems and alive to their day.”  (p. 303)

Part of concern I have, as one who is in ministry is the wedge driven between theologians [theoretical and abstract] and pastors [down to earth and practical].  Too many of our theologians hide behind the safety of ivory towers of academia, trying to relive the issues and concerns of long ago.  On the other hand, our pastors and ministers down play the role of theology and seek to entertain the flocks the Lord has put them in charge over to instruct and train.  It’s very important to realize that all of the theologians of the past, starting w/ the apostle Paul himself, were not afraid to get their hands dirty in the practical matters, while at the same time not down playing the role of intellectual mind-exercise…we need both and somewhere a balance must be met.

prayer...

Lord, whatever happens in my life, no matter what you allow me to go thru, this is one thing I’ll never do: I will never doubt your goodness.  I know that everything happens in my life for a purpose that is best for me.  It’s funny how…I don’t really feel sad nor depressed.  I guess this is the change of heart that you’ve granted – though I don’t really know how long this would last – any day, my deceitful heart would come back and hold onto that idol…tear it out, Lord; tear it out!  No matter how much scar it’ll leave, tear it out.  I rather live w/ a huge scar than to have your good-gift-turned-idol come between us…

learning to let go...

Sunday was pretty interesting – GH had an emergency so there was no power point.  My voice was shut b/c of this cold I had – and I couldn’t sing.  AWCA changed the Sunday School building on us and b/c of that, no copy machine to print out bulletins…we literally had nothing – although, we were able to use this person’s laptop for projection.  GB was literally typing out the powerpoint slides for the songs as the service was moving along.  SB stepped up to the plate as took over singing.  In the end, everything worked out pretty well.

Through all these, God seems to tell me to let go of my control – I’m really realizing how much control I crave…I can go thru huge amount of pressure, as long as I know the outcome.  What I can’t really stand is not knowing how all these things are going to play out in the end.