Secret of Contentment—

I’m finally learning the secret of contentment – it’s not pursuing, desiring or hoping for thing I don’t have [yet]. It’s on bathing in God’s goodness, remembering how he’s has met all my needs in the past and simply enjoying what He has provided me already. As long as my focus is on the things I don’t have, my view of God is someone who is depraving of all the good things that I should have, which other people take them for granted. But, if I focus on the things I already have, it’s not hard to find all the things that I have, which I don’t deserve in the first place! This is one reason why Moses keeps reminding Israelites to remember what God has done and make sure that the children area also aware of it!

I realize that focusing on what I don’t have is the way the Serpent tempted our 1st parents. Often we think how foolish of Adam and Eve for taking the fruit when they had the whole garden to enjoy for themselves. But, we forget that once we begin to focus on one thing that we don’t have, all the blessings we have received become like shadow. And soon enough, we become unhappy w/ one thing that we don’t have.

Good Friday Reflections…

“…I painted swiftly in a strange nerveless frenzy of energy. For all the pain you suffered, mama. For all the anguish this picture of pain will cause you. For the unspeakable mystery that brings good fathers and sons into the world and lets a mother watch them tear at each other’s throats. For the Master of the Universe, whose suffering world I do not comprehend. For dreams of horror, for nights of waiting, for memories of death, for the love I have for you, for all the things I remember, and for all the things I should remember but have forgotten, for all these I created this paining—an observant Jew working on an crucifixion because there was no aesthetic mold in his own religious tradition into which he could pour a painting of ultimate anguish and torment.” – My Name Is Asher Lev, Chaim Potok


The wounded surgeon plies the steel
That questions the distempered part;
Beneath the bleeding hands we feel
The sharp compassion of the healer’s art
Resolving the enigma of the fever chart.

Our only health is the disease
If we obey the dying nurse
Whose constant care is not to please
But to remind of our, and Adam’s curse
And that, to be restored, our sickness must grow worse.

The whole earth is our hospital
Endowed by the ruined millionaire,
Wherein, if we do well, we shall
Die of the absolute paternal care
That will not leave us, but prevents us everywhere.

The chill ascends from feet to knees,
The fever sings in mental wires.
If to be warmed, then I must freeze
And quake in frigid purgatorial fires
Of which the flam is roses, and the smoke is briars.

The dripping blood our only drink,
The bloody flesh our only food:
In spite of which we like to think
That we are sound, substantial flesh and blood—
Again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good. – Four Quartets [East Cocker], T.S. Eliot

Choice of Good Character in Serving God -

We were supposed to have a student from … joining us this Sunday. But, when I called him to pick him up, he said, ‘something came up’ and won’t be joining us. Little bummed out, I asked if he could join next week. He said he’ll let me know by Tuesday.

I wanted to give him another chance at it. But, TZ thought otherwise. His reasoning was what he did was utterly unacceptable as a professional musician. What’s more important, TZ felt this was a manifestation of his own character and attitude in serving God which is very immature and unacceptable. So, he said to cut him lose – this should be a warning sign and a red flag; we don’t need this kind of attitude w/ what we are trying to do. So, if he calls back, I’m supposed to say, ‘no, man, we would not be needing you anymore…we have other people we’re trying out. Thank you.’

In the end, I agree w/ TZ – above all, our character is the most important aspect of our service to God. Our western world is so pragmatic and results driven that we tend to think less about the personal character, even in the ministry context. I know that this is something that I’ve been working at it myself. But, I guess I should have the same expectation for people I bring in for the music ministry. But, I do admit, this way is much harder and requires more trusting that the Lord will provide the right person – but, it’s the right way! I will not settle for the 2nd best when it comes to serving God; that includes the person we recruit for congregational worship.

Roni Ben Hur—

Had an opportunity to check out Roni Ben Hur and hang out w/ TL. We drove down to Montclair and after few missed turns and brief conversation about cow tipping, we arrive at our destination w/ 10 minutes to spare. The band leader was the widowed wife of John Hicks. And they played bunch of tunes written by him.

Towards the end of evening, I had a new insight – I realized that even looking at the performers were distracting me from listen to the music itself. It wasn’t until towards the end of the show when I actually closed my eyes I heard each passage and the note dancing around their harmonic grid. I returned home thinking next time, I’m not even going to see the performers. I’m just going to sit, close my eyes and listen.

Too bad that our MTV or post-MTV generations cannot appreciate music w/out image even though music has always been an art of listening. They talk about stage-presence – who cares about what they look? Just go up and play your music! I guess the one of the reasons why I’m getting into non-commerical music [folk, jazz, blues, classical] is b/c going up on the stage and looking good ain’t their main agenda – it’s all about music…melody stated and harmony dancing around her.

My Spiritual Boot Camp [Phase 2]—

Here’s the next phase of my spiritual growth – ‘seek and destroy’: all these years of failed attempt on battling my sin has left me rather discouraged. It was only few days ago that I received the new insight from the Lord. And this is the fact that God, the Lion of Judah, the Warrior-King is living inside of me! But, b/c of my skewed perception of God, I ended up confining this lion on a leash while standing powerless against the attacks of the enemy. Part of reason why God must be on the throne of our hearts is so that he could protect me from all sins and destroy every temptation the enemy throw in my direction. Unfortunately, when we talk about putting God on the thrones of our hearts, we only make reference on how he changes and frustrates our personal goals and agendas – we don’t really see him as the one who protects, loves and cares for us. Now I want to unleash this lion – let him seek and destroy all forms of sins and free me from the power of the enemy that has been taunting me since I was brought into this world.

And who’s my enemy? He’s not the circumstances I’m under; he’s not even those who failed and/or hurt me; he’s not the failed dreams or goals. He is the flesh who governs my desires, who takes good things God has given and perverts them into idols. This enemy lives inside of me – he is me. For this, I must die daily and submit to His lordship of my life, moment by moment. The battle wages w/in my heart. And the outside circumstances are only the stages where this battle is being fought!

“…you shall tear down their alters, and smash their sacred pillars, and hew down their Asherim, and burn down their graven images with fire.” – Deut 7:5

My Spiritual Boot Camp [Phase 1]—

The 1st was a test of faith – to never to doubt the love of God, no matter what circumstances I’m under. Couple images that were revealed to me were: a) renewed vision of JC my high priest who intercedes for me each moment; b) JC’s uniting himself w/ me and experiencing every burden, suffering, pains of disappointment with me.

He does not stand aloof, just watching me suffering thru the trials of my life – no he does more than that! He does not stand next to me and simply shout out encouragement, ‘you can do this!’ – no he does more than that. He unites himself w/ me and experiences every burden and frustration I experience and then says, ‘take my yoke for it is easy’; ‘hold my hand and I’ll walk with you to the end of the line.’ My Jesus, My Savior will carry me thru all the days of my life – and this is a very fine perspective of life!

I want to live this mindset: “God is sovereign and He love me.”

footprints in the sand...

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
Other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
That during the low periods of my life,
When I was suffering from
Anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
That if I followed you,
You would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
The most trying periods of my life
There have only been one
Set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
You have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
Seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
Is when I carried you." - Mary Stevenson

JC showed me this morning that he’s right here w/ me…and that’s enough for me!

pre-sunday emotional ride...

It’s has been tough few days of emotional ride. I’m recognizing an emerging pattern – it’s always the evening before my preaching Sunday, I have the hardest time concentrating and finalizing a sermon. There's always something that come up that make me be consumed w/ uneasy thoughts! It could be a spiritual attack, but can’t say conclusively. Anyhow, in order to deal with this, I should start preparing my sermon way ahead, that way the evening before my preaching day, all I have to do is just going thru the notes and make final revisions. Thankfully enough, in spite of my struggles, the Lord came thru once again – people were blessed.

Paul Tripp and CCEF

EM pastor’s conference was pretty amazing. It was good to get away for few days – long talk w/ JO on the way, hear PT speak on ‘Relationship – Mess worth making’. I must say that the Lord addressed things that were in my heart – that I’m an angry and bitter person; and that anger and bitterness resides in my heart; the circumstances are only the vehicle to which these emotions spill over.

I should remember to pick up the book and read…I really appreciate CCEF and their teaching. Much of our Christian counseling is influenced by the secular mindset which says the person who are hurting are the victims of society. In Christian context, it’d be victim of sin, world and Satan. But, CCEF drives issue deeper – that the world isn’t the problem, but my own wicked heart; that as much as I’m a victim, I’m also a victimizer who hurts those around me. And it isn’t long until I realize that my main problems aren’t the circumstances and people who let me down; rather it’s the attitude and the way I respond to such circumstances that reveals my heart; that each time I respond w/ anger and resentment, it reveals my own selfish heart and lack of trust in sovereign God who loves me.

Memorable quote by TP;
“I love you and I have a wonderful plan for your life!”

Rock Me to Sleep

"Backward, flow backward, O tide of years
I am weary of toils and tears
Toil without recompense, tears all in vain
Take them and give me my childhood again
I have grown weary of dust and decay
Weary of flinging my soul-wealth away
Weary of sowing for others to reap
Rock me to sleep, mother, rock me to sleep…" - Elizabeth Akers Allen