what do i really want?...

I realize that many times when I’m praying for something, I’m also struck w/ the thought, ‘Do I really want what I’m praying for?’  How many times have we heard people say, ‘when you get to the top, you realize that there’s nothing [and no one] there’ or ‘the joy is in the journey not in destination’?  Most of the success stories are coupled w/ either sense of disappointment or boredom.  I’m remembering Inigo’s dilemma after avenging his father:

‘it’s very strange.  I have been in the revenge business so long…now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.’

Well, anyway, getting back to the point. I’m realizing that the main issue in life isn’t so much about I get what I want or making the right decisions all the time.  I got things I wanted and ended up being disappointed; I didn’t get what I wanted and ended up not needing it after all; I thought I was making the right decision and turned out to be a disaster; I thought I was heading into the trouble but turned out to be the most important turning points in my life.  The truth is that…if I really look deep inside of my heart, I really don’t know what I want.  Rather, what I want is an idealistic fantasy of things I crave…